Church

Church today was awesome, for me it started last night, I had some time alone at home and I was able to worship the Lord in a wonderful way, singing in the Spirit, but with words that were flowing out of the center of my being, it was an awesome experience and it spoke of my total surrender to God and desiring Him and being Desperate for Him. I felt alive and at peace, isn't it amazing how reading, praying and worshipping God does that? How do we get so easily side-tracked? Well I would have been happy there, but God wants more, I wanted to go to prayer but of course I overslept, however, I was able to read His word and pray, when I finally got to church I was ready to enter in, and I did. What blesses me so much is I am not hindered anymore by what anyone thinks about my praise and worship unto God, I found this to be true the last month or so, freedom in God to do this, it is my heart, the words to the songs speak to me, I don't just sing, I am thinking about what the words mean and how much I love my Lord I am singing to, it has always been that way, but it is different now, I am not questioning why, just loving it and grateful to God for it. I wrote yesterday, Jesus lover of my soul, that was one of the songs today at church during worship, all I could do was cry and smile and love Him with my worship, it was like God chose that song for me today, hand picked it for me, I am sure he did for myself and a dozen others, I only hope they all were as blessed as I was.
I have found through the last 2 years that my walk is my walk, it is not dependent upon others, I depended too much on others, God wanted Susan to want Him, no matter who or what anyone else was doing, or are doing now. I know now that He is taking me to a higher place in Him, a place that I have only begun to experience and a place where I want to dwell, in His presence at His feet, loving Him with all that is within me. Where do I go from here? God only knows, but I am looking forward to the journey and blessed He chose me to go along.

Jesus - Lover of my soul

I was able to go see the Phantom of the Opera, the movie that is, and although there are alot of opinions about it, I loved it. I don't remember the 1940's version, although my mother loved it, I am going to try and find it and watch it now. After I saw the movie, I went and bought the soundtrack, I have listened to it alot today and the song "All I ask of You" with Christine and Raoul is beautiful. However, when listening to it, I was thinking alot about God, and my heart soars as I listen to the music, I can feel it, and to me it could be God speaking to me. I know that what I felt today while thinking and once again reflecting on my life is that above all, all I have ever wanted is to be loved, maybe I didn't always feel loved or special growing up, etc., which is not important now, except to say that you/we long for that and to be loved unconditionally - we as humans have a hard time with that, but God doesn't, we just need to allow him to love us, to be the lover of our soul. This song speaks of hope, love, freedom, hiding in him, protection, how he wants to go wherever we go, sharing, being led and following, and many, many more wonderful promises and longings, and what we can have if we acknowledge him and allow him access to our hearts. I want to feel this with Jesus, that He is the Lover of my soul, to know that love and to love Him that way in return. I love my husband, but to me this love and relationship with Jesus is higher and will only increase the love between my husband and I, and I know with all that is within me if God helps me get there with Him, everything I do and anyone I come into contact with will somehow be touched by God, because I am touched by God. I want people to see the Lover of my Soul, not by words but by my actions. Now I guess I do have a dream, where do I go from here?, once again running to Him and spending time with Him, giving myself to Him, because I trust Him.

Losing Control

I am thinking today about losing control. My pastor says I have control issues and he is right. It is a life long pattern, having to take care of people and trying to solve things so there would be no conflict, trying to take care of it myself. Several times I have had a revelation of God when I have let go and let God be in control, and just when I think I don't have it anymore, I find out I still am trying to fix everything, well now there is no one to fix but myself and I don't want to do it, I want Him to do it and do it right. I am worried about a job, what I am to do and nothing is happening, my husband said last night, you have a problem with that, don't worry, the right thing will come along, don't rush, enjoy, be patient it will all work out. I pray it does, I pray that God will finish in me what He started. I love Him and I want to be His LOVE SLAVE, I want to trust Him with my whole heart, I want to believe He is who He is and He only wants the best for me and mine. I WANT TO ONCE IN MY LIFE LOSE CONTROL, TOTAL CONTROL, THAT IS EVEN HARD TO WRITE, LET ALONE SAY OUT LOUD, TO ADMIT THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL AND HE CONTROLS ALL AND TO LET HIM HAVE HIS WAY, NOT SUSANS' WAY BUT HIS, WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE, I GUESS RUNNING TO HIS THRONE, LAYING AT HIS FEET AND LOVING HIM, REALLY BELIEVING IN MY HEART WHAT MY MOUTH SPEAKS, PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE.

WHO AM I?

This is the question I have been asking myself for months. It seems like I have been grieving forever, it has been in reality about 2 years. 2 long continuing years of losing aunt, mom, dad. Lately, I am asking myself this question. For the last 14 years I was taking care of someone or several someones, now they are gone. I have been SAVED for the last 13 years and although it was because I was lost that I came to God, my need for Him always kept me close, the newness of who He was and the promises I had in Him drove me to Him. I love Jesus and haven't stopped, my concern is I don't know who I am or what I am to do. I have never had a dream outside of kids and a wonderful husband. I still have those things, but I have no dreams really and although I can go through the bible and find who I am in Christ, I need to know how to be what He says and how I can put that to use - Who is Susan - I see the beauty of God and now how the seasons are changing and things are coming to life and I have felt that is coming again, up out of the center of my being, I am so glad, but I feel guilty in some ways, that my heart still hurts so much and yet I am ready to move on, into greater things in God, to find joy in life and in my family that is here. Well today is a day of reflection and trying to sort out, writing it seems to help. Thanks