Heartache

Today I have tried to keep myself occupied. It is a year ago that Dad died. I took Dena to see mom and dad's headstone Saturday, she hadn't been able to see it since it was placed. It was good to spend the day with her, it was healing, I had a strong need for her that day. We are changing it seems as a result of all that has happened the last 2 1/2 years, a good change though, we know the value of what we have, each other. It is nice to have a positive change, so many haven't been.
I find that at times I am someone looking in on lives that I used to be involved in, that I no longer know things that I once would have, I am left finding things out through other sources, it seems strange. It is a reminder that you can't go back, and I know it is okay and even though I thought it wasn't something that really mattered anymore, it hurts alittle more than I care to admit. It may be the whole year death thing, I don't know. But what I do know is that Jesus loves me, I will always have Him and I have only to look at my family and know that I am blessed beyond belief. I don't have to worry what tomorrow brings, because He will see me through the good and the bad.
I will admit that as I sit here though I am nearing another step of grief, a real outpouring of tears I am afraid. You see I am home alone, it is quiet and music is playing and memories are flooding me, so I guess I will close, I will cry and I will get supper on and wait for my family and let God minister to me in the meantime by pouring out my heart to Him and allowing Him access to it so He can bring comfort. I know when I see my family and feel their arms enfolding me, all will be right with the world again. This is life, it is to be lived, good and bad, we just need to have the peace of God through the living. I love you Lord.

My Sister Dena

I just wanted to take a few minutes to write about Dena. She amazes me. I picked her and her fiance up at the airport on Tuesday following their 8 day cruise to Belize, Panama and Costa Rica. Now I don't know about you but this just blows me away. I flew for the first time alone in November and was a nervous wreck. She has done these type of things for years without her sight. I was thinking on the way home that I am nervous to fly to New York next week and find my way alone to the hotel. They just flew alone to Florida found their way to their hotel, the next morning to their boat, found their way to the day trips of the different islands, back to the ship, off the ship to the airport to fly home where I picked them up. They also went all over the cruise ship that had 10 floors, I can't imagine. She does all of this without a thought. She went by train New York 20 years ago, I tried to tell her how dangerous it was and not to go, but she didn't listen. She is independent and goes for whatever she wants. She has been 3 times to New Jersey to get seeing eye dogs, all so she could be independent. She has graduated from Ball State and has held the same job for I believe about 13 or 14 years. I am in awe of her. She has never given up, she has been a fighter since her pre-mature birth 42 years ago. She beat the odds and although she lived she lost her sight. She loves God and has never been bitter, she educates adults, she goes to schools to teach children about being blind and she is involved with community groups to provide better conditions for those who are handicapped. She was also woman of the year. What faith she has in God, has always had to move forward and trust Him, truly blind faith. I hope that someday I too can trust Him blindly and go forward in confidence and assurance. I love my sister and I don't tell her enough just how much she inspires me and how much I have always admired her. I am too afraid to do many things, afraid to fail, that has never been an issue for her. I am envious of her in many ways, and one of those is she sings like an angel. It is now just my sister and I, no mom, no dad, just us and today Dena if you read this, know I love you with all my heart, more than words and numbers can say - You are my BIG SIS and I need you.
Although I have mentioned a few of the things she has done and places she has been, there are many more, not to mention she is going to Las Vegas in July for an American Counsel for the Blind meetings, fearless I say, fearless.

Lord - How can I ever repay you

Ps 116:1-2

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

Ps 116:12

12 How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?
NIV

I am grateful to the Lord for all He has done for me, all He has brought me through and all He will bring me through in the future. He is faithful. I can testify of His goodness and my love for Him abounds.
This last week brought many trials and disappointments for myself and my family, but through it all I found out that I trust Him. I am at peace, trusting Him. These situations are not resolved or fixed by any means but where I would have worried or tried to fix it myself in the past, I have now given it to God, He is more than able to deal with these situations and bring about His will for it all. This ministered to me in a big way when I realized I wasn't handling it as I had in the past, but I had handed it to God instead. He is giving me the desire of my heart, He is changing me. I can see now how God was able to use those terrible losses to draw me closer to Him, to rely on Him. I am stronger in Him because of all He has brought me through and I know that there will be a time that I will be able to share with someone in need, how God alone can get you through anything. I have my life to live, it isn't going to be easy or perfect, but it is His to do with as He will.
I am so glad He is merciful that He hears my cries and that as long as I will, I can call on him. I don't know how I can repay Him for His goodness and faithfulness except to live my life devoted to Him, praising and worshipping Him, becoming more and more intimate with Him and doing all that He asks me to do. (love, love, love EVERYONE)!!!!!
I love you Lord, you ALONE are worthy, help me walk in a manner that is pleasing unto you, guard my heart and my mind, and only let me speak that which would encourage others, help me be a good listener, help me to be sensitive to your voice and to do as you ask without hesitation, help me to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter (to Jack and Sue), friend, and a better example of you. With all that is within me Lord I love you and I thank you.